Week 1:
To Eric:
I think instead
of trying to focus on two separate identities and trying to chose to only
expand on one of them, just combine the two together and have your identity be
family. I can see how your older siblings effected your decision to come to
Drexel. My younger sister is a junior in high school and although she wants
nothing to do with Drexel, I am trying to steer her in the right direction of
good colleges. You might want to come in more depth on not only the co-op
system but how your siblings may have personally effected your decision to come
to Drexel. I like the aspect of being an employee to your dad. I did not work
with my dad officially but whenever I did help out, I always felt that I needed
to get everything done as soon as possible. Another way you can combine the two
is talk more about how your siblings also worked for your dad and see what they
think of the experience and if they share similar view with you. I think that
you know what you are talking about and I really liked both identities and there
is totally a way to put them together and make it one.
To Madison:
I think that
choosing your identity as being a twin was an interesting choice; being a twin
is a somewhat uncommon thing and this lets you have a very unique identity. I
have always wondered how the relationship with a twin went. I have either met
twins that are very close with each other or twins that want nothing to do with
each other. I think its kind of weird that people ask you a ton of questions
but I see where they are coming from. I really like how you describe being a
twin not as just sharing the womb with someone and it is like more of a bond
between you and your sibling. I think you should expand on what exactly that
bond is especially because you said you have other siblings so it would be
interesting to see the difference in the relationships. I really like where you
are going with your identity and I see why you chose it.
Week 2:
To Nicolas:
I understand
exactly where you are coming from. The description is great and I feel like I
was at that party by just reading the description. I have had my fair share of
being at weird parties that your friends drag you to and you sit there and try
to have a good time but you really can't get into it. This can be a normal
occurrence in people but you presented it in more detail and just better than
others. I brought this up in my prompt and it is trash compared to the amount
of details and time you put into yours. I really relate to your point about not
wanting to go out to random parties and I completely agree with you. I would
take a night in just hanging out and drinking with my friends then going to
some hot sweaty party and get kicked out at 11pm. Overall, I really liked how
it was written with the details and use of metaphors and everything and it
really caught my attention when I was looking through prompts and made me want
to keep reading it.
To Andrew:
This was a
really interesting prompt to read because it showed how different two sections
of the same group could be. Everyone who was doing cross fit did not normally
see someone like you coming in and doing the sort of exercises that you were
doing. It does make you wonder about how other people can overall affect a
person's performance. The lifting seems extremely hard just on its own but I
see why it got harder for you because of everyone judging you to an extent just
because you wanted to be around other people when you were lifting. You did go
against the normal of what was going on in the gym, which since it is all a
gym, had a very odd outcome. Everyone one who goes is there to better
themselves physically so it should not matter what specific exercise or lift
you are doing, everyone should be supportive. I liked how descriptive
everything was, I understand exactly what you were feeling while you were
there.
Week 3:
To Brianna:
I really like
that you interviewed two different people instead of just one. This can broaden
the answers you can get since both people come from different lives and have
different reasons behind their answers. I love your topic; I really think that
people judge other people who have body modifications for no apparent reason. I
also like that you did not use the same set questions for each person but I
would have also liked to see how two different people reply to the same
question. Since each person you interviewed were differently aged their
responses could have been different and that could have helped you compile a
better answer. Overall I really like your topic and cannot wait to read the
finished product.
To Nicolas:
I really like
the way this interview was conducted and the choices of questions were great.
You did not focus on one point of the person's introversion (not sure if that’s
a word) but throughout their entire life and how it affected them. The follow
up questions helped explain the initial questions in more detail. The person's
life has been ultimately covered because of the detail in each of your
questions. I like that you recorded it and then wrote everything down
afterwards, it feels like you did not leave anything out. As Megan said, my
only complaint is that I would like to see how other people answer the same
questions but that wasn't asked for this interview. Maybe for your final paper
you could interview two people who are introverted and see how their answers
differ from one another.
Week 4:
To Brianna:
For starters,
you wrote a great annotated bibliography; it looks like you basically already
have your paper done with all the info that you have collected. It is a great
start to the paper and it seems that you have taken it really seriously. I like
that you have backgrounds on all of the authors of your sources. I could not
find much on any of the authors nor do I really see a purpose to writing about
them but I like the detail that you gave it. I like that you added quotes that
might be of use to you later, it is better to take the time now while reading
the sources and writing them done then having to go back and search through the
paper later. It is also clear to see what exactly your paper is about just from
reading the sources, which is a good sign.
To Eric:
It
is really easy to see what your paper is going to be about just from reading
the article that you are using as research. I like that you were very specific
in describing what the articles were about and they are all a pretty good
length. Adding quotes was a really good idea because if you are going through a
source first read it is good to pick out the quotes that jump out to you. Your
annotations are a good length and it would be easy to go back and see where
exact a quote or an idea was by just reading through them. I also did not look
up any information on the authors of my sources because I could not find
anything about them. Another little detail is that you put all of your sources
in alphabetical order, which a lot of people forgot to do.
Midterm:
To
Nick
Your
paper is gives great details on the daily life and how introversion affects an
individual as they grow up. The way you described your childhood does help
explain how and why you became more introverted then extroverted. I would like
to see how your introversion affects your daily life. Do you stray away from
daily things that include other people like eating in the dining hall or going
to the gym just because there are other people there? It would be interesting
to see. I do have a complaint on how your paper just seemed to end. I am
assuming you will add to it because it is only the rough draft but you just
took a short paragraph that included a brand new source and just rolled with
it. A short conclusion to wrap things up would be nice. Other then that the
paper was good aside from one or two comma and grammatical errors here or
there. It is a really interesting topic to read about and I enjoyed reading it
and can not wait to see what you do with it for the final.
To
Matthew
Firstly
I would like to say how interesting it was to read your first draft, as
Roswitha said it is very informative to learn about being a veteran from
personal experiences. I cannot begin to imagine anything about war. I would
have liked to see some background on some of the places that you toured, it is
not really a required detail to have but it does help with the clarity of the
paper. Also if you have done anything else with other veterans through different
organizations outside of Drexel, I would have liked to read about those if
there are any. Or maybe why you wanted to join the armed forces initially. Was
it your own decision? And how did family and friends react to it. One other
minor thing was maybe splitting your first paragraph in half when you begin to
talk about the veteran rehab with the horses; it is a paragraph that can stand
on its own but again just a minor detail. Overall I thought it was a great
paper and I loved reading it. It was informative and you explained your
identity well.
To
Brianna
I really love what you have written so far; not only does it
talk about how body modification is perceived in modern times but also the full
history of it. I was interesting to read about the origins of tattoos. I am in
fully support of any sort of tattoos or piercings or anything like that. It is
your body you should be able to do what you want with it without getting judged
by the general public. I also like how you went through different people and how
having body modifications effect their lives. It was a really good way to
implement your interviews into the paper. The only complaints that I have about
the paper are that the first few paragraphs could be put together and condensed
a bit. Not really a complaint really, just a personal comment, I do not think
that anything is wrong with the writing. The second is that you just ended it
like that, total cliffhanger! But in all, it is a really well written paper and
I cannot wait to read the rest of it.
To
Eric
First off I like how well
written and detailed your paper is, I can tell that you put a lot of time into
it from only reading it once over. It is a really interesting topic that I do
not think many people experience in their lives. It is one thing to maybe work
with a close friend but it is a completely different animal working with your
own direct family. The only complaint I really have is that I would have liked
to see maybe some specific event that times were really good or really bad due
to how the store was going. You mention that sometimes if things were not going
well in the store, your dad or other family members would be upset in the home
life. Besides that I really liked how informative everything was and how
interestingly written it is.
Week
7:
To
Eric
First
off your rough draft was great! I really liked reading about how being in a
family business can affect home life and personal relationships. As you said in
your paragraph above, I think adding a bit more detail to your experiences
would be beneficial. I really do think that you took everyone's comments and
suggestions into account when writing this. I think that you have really good
ideas on what to write the new paragraphs about. I think the only problem you
might have is structuring the paper so it flows and makes sense. But after
reading it once or twice, I think you are going to be able to see how
everything works together.
To
Megan
Top of Form
I
think that you have a really good outline to your paper; the rough draft you
wrote was very informative and it showed a lot of insight into the lives of
someone who lives with anxiety. In my opinion, I think it would be a good idea
to go into the science behind anxiety. Maybe like explain the physiological
aspect of anxiety or if there is anything that will specifically cause it.
Overall I thought your essay was really good. Like you mentioned, there were
some transitions that were awkward. A closing paragraph would be a good idea to
wrap everything up and bring it all together.
Week
9:
To Nick
First off these paragraphs were extremely well written and has a
lot of detail in them that help paint a picture of the scene. It was a good
personal story that would make a good addition to your essay. I am somewhat
confused to where this will be placed into your essay since the topic is on
introversion. If you want to get in depth on personal experiences, you should
also go into a possible bad day of introversion where you would not have
invited your friend to lunch and talk about the reasoning behind that decision.
That is just an idea though and I believe someone else in the comments
mentioned it too. Besides that I really do not have any complaints about this
piece; it is well written and descriptive and tells a great story.
To
Eric
I like the changes you made to this paragraph; it
does really add a more personal side to the paper. It gives a good
representation on how the life within the store affected your home life outside
of it. I think that adding the story about the employee who was stealing the
drugs was a really good idea because it turned a very general thing into a
personal story all your own. The only complaint I have is about the somewhat
random quote from your brother in the middle. I know you said that there was a
possibility of you splitting this into two paragraphs, which I do not think is
a good idea. If you maybe expand more onto what your brother said instead of
just the one quote, it could help maybe describe the point better. You could
also get a quote from your brother on the topic of the guy stealing the drugs.
These are just ideas though; I really think that this was a strong addition to
your paper.
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